With east coast earthquakes and hurricanes behind us, how do feel differently today than you did yesterday? (regardless of your physical location)
Are your moods/thoughts/energies related to events? Can you leverage those effects for your best and highest good?
This has been a stress-filled week for so many people that I thought I would revisit an old article of mine. Wishing you all smooth sailing!
Stress doesn’t “just happen†to anyone. It isn’t an event that occurs outside the individual. It is an internal process, and, like all internal processes, stress begins in our mind. How can you harness the power of your mind to keep stress from leading to distress? It all begins with the ABCs. The ABCs of mental management of stress are Awareness, Belief, and Coping. If you can master this mental process, you have taken a big step on the path to wellness.
Awareness
Awareness is the key to any change process. Until you are able to make the connection between those feelings of anxiety, obsessive behaviors, or just plain treating yourself badly and stress, you can’t begin to change. Awareness means learning to pay attention to what is going on in your body and mind. It means paying attention to how you act and how you react. It means learning what triggers negative reactions in yourself. Finally, it means learning to catch yourself before you enter into destructive behaviors.
Not being aware of your reactions to stress triggers can be as deadly as not being aware of traffic before stepping of the curb. Researchers tell us that it takes only 30 seconds for the human body to move into a full scale stress reaction. What this means is that within 30 seconds of reacting in anger, you are allowing potentially lethal chemical and physiological changes to begin in your body. If you think of stress reactions as near-death experiences, you begin to see the tremendous impact of lack of awareness of our reactions to the many stressors in our daily lives.
Learn to listen to your body. Become aware of the signs of stress. Do you feel your muscles begin to tense when you approach that individual who always seems to push your buttons? Does the idea of balancing your checkbook make your mind go blank? These are signs of stress. Be aware of what is happening. Be aware of when it happens. This is the first step in managing your stress.
But awareness is more than being conscious of events and reactions. It also means being alert to what is going on in your mind. What messages are you sending yourself in stressful situations? Become aware of what those messages are. You might want to keep a simple stress diary. Carry a small note pad or a few index cards with you. When you feel yourself begin to react, write down what triggered the response and how you responded. Try to capture what you are thinking at that moment. This information will help you select the most appropriate coping techniques for stress in your life.
Finally, awareness includes awareness that something is wrong with your thinking and behavior. You must be aware that there are other ways to think and act. You must be aware that your current process may not be the best for you. Without the awareness that there is a problem and awareness that you have other choices, there is no possibility of change.
Belief
Once you are aware of the need for change, you must believe that you have the power to change. You must believe that what you think, say, and do influences your well-being.
Stress is a reaction, not an event. Your reactions are governed by your beliefs about yourself and about the world. Part of controlling stress comes from what you believe about your ability to control your thoughts and your life. If, for example, your boss or spouse or child approaches you in an aggressive, angry manner, you can react in one of two ways. You can believe that you have a problem or are at fault or you can believe that they have a problem or are out of control.
Your belief determines who has control over your life in that moment. If you allow yourself to become angry or to feel that you must have done something wrong, you are triggering a stress reaction. As you begin to react physically to the situation, you are also giving control over to the other person. In effect, you are putting your life in the palm of their hand. Is this what you want to do?
If you believe in yourself and your ability to remain calm, enter into discussion and resolve the problems in your life, you can remain in control. You will not allow that stress reaction to begin. f you believe yourself to be capable of handling anything life hands you, you will be able to handle any problem. This doesn’t mean that life will be wonderful all the time. What it does mean is that if you believe in yourself, you can minimize the effects of negative stress and make the best use of all your resources to meet challenges head on.
Coping Strategies
When you are aware of your stress triggers and believe that you can reduce the negative effects of stress through your own thoughts and actions, you are ready to begin to cope with stress. Coping with stress means investigating different strategies for stress management and finding the ones that work best for you. This could include a wide range of physical and mental activities – from heading to the gym to visualizing and creating counters.
This has been an interesting week for fears. It’s not often that there’s an earthquake and a hurricane within days of each other. Most of the people I’ve spoken with have taken all this in stride. A few have been frightened, and, for some of them, they were replaying old fears. Perhaps some were even experiencing inherited fears.
I certainly know how that feels. For years I’ve been disproportionately afraid of thunder storms because my mother was so afraid of lightening. She would get my brother and I out of bed to huddle up on the couch with her.
Where do your fears come from? Are they based on experience or are they stories you have inherited or are telling yourself? Do they serve you? (Yes, there are certainly healthy fears. It seems pretty healthy to me to maintain a fear of getting too close to an angry lion.)
If your fears don’t serve you, can you look at them, trace them back to their roots and reframe them? How do you let go of fear?
I recently met a brilliant guy who has easily half a dozen projects at once. His model is Thomas Edison who he says, always had multiple inventions and companies going at once.
My question is, how can one do this? Research tells us that multitasking doesn’t work. Is it possible to have both multiple projects and serial singular focus? What do you think? What works for you?
One of my client’s often asks me if I have ever experienced some of the feelings/reactions that she does (she has watched me in various situations and has seen the peace can accompany a person). Worry for the future, frustration with someone’s performance or actions, irritation with…..anything.
Although I have “done the work” it takes to transcend living in this state on a regular basis, I do indeed experience these discomforts from time to time. My other experience tells me, however, that the discomfort, not the comfort, is fleeting, and is not the state of my core being. Wellness, comfort, joy, peace. Those are the stuffs we’re made of.
A fine read is The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work
Get thee to a comfort zone!
Yesterday, I was reminded of Don Miguel Ruiz’s comments about reality at CAM two years ago. He said that we all create our own reality. Since that is true, we might as well create one we like.
I was struck with evidence of multiple realities shortly before 2:00 yesterday. After spending a few quiet hours reading in Madison Square Park, I picked up a few groceries and headed over to the express bus stop on 23rd Street. The corner was a little more crowded than I expected – Park Avenue South is usually busy, but not this busy. I sat on the bench and went back to reading. Someone sat next to me and said that she might as well sit since she didn’t know how long this would take.
Huh? That was odd, so I asked what was going on. That’s how I found out about the earthquake. What earthquake? I hadn’t felt a thing. People were pouring out of the offices by then, wandering around, not knowing what to do next. Most of them looked bemused, some amused.
What does it say about social media that, like so many others, I went to Twitter for news? OK. Earthquake in Virginia felt in NYC (by some). I settled back on the bench and began observing people. Most were joking and texting. Nobody seemed overly concerned. We’ve had other earthquakes that New Yorkers have felt.
Once I got on the bus, though, the tone shifted. While some were still joking (overheard cell conversation – yeah, I’m calling you from under a pile of rubble, but don’t worry, I’ve got water), some were worried. The bus stops in lower Manhattan were crowded. Offices had evacuated and sent people home and most of these people were afraid to take the subway. They were much more anxious that the midtown riders. They couldn’t wait to get home.
Why the difference? Most of the downtown riders had flashed back nearly ten years. They were thinking terrorists, not earthquake. Most of them had worked downtown for a long time and, this close to the 10th anniversary of the collapse of the World Trade Center, memories were still fresh. They knew the truth, but perception won over truth. They were living a different reality.
Our West Coast friends have been making fun of us. This was barely a twitch in their earthquake reality. They tweeted disaster photos of overturned beach chairs and yogurt cups. A local reporter on NBC was asking reporters who, like many of us, hadn’t felt a thing, if they had “tremor envy.”
So, what’s your reality? How do you construct it? Do you look for the good or go for the worst? What do you choose for yourself? 
Are you happy? Does happiness matter to you?
Here’s a great read to help you understand the what and why of happiness (and a robust sample is available, at least it was on Kindle..)
Carol Dweck, in Mindset, talks about fixed and growth mindsets. People with fixed mindsets are stuck. They need to feel superior and they are afraid to do anything that might let them be seen as a failure. This, of course, means that they don’t take risks. Risks are, well, risky after all. You could make a mistake. Something could go wrong. The whole world would know that you’re not perfect.
People with fixed mindsets do the same, safe, limiting things over and over. They can’t allow themselves to grow because growing would require admitting that they weren’t already perfect. They don’t want to look stupid or incompetent. Seems to me like a pretty sad kind of life.
People with a growth mindset, however, are learners. They experiment. They find joy in learning; they don’t equate it with failure. People with fixed mindsets always have to appear confident, but I think that people with growth mindsets always ARE confident. And it seems to me that they have more fun, too.
The good news is that people can change. If you have a fixed mindset, think about whether or not you’d like to stretch just a bit. If you do, try expanding your comfort zone just a bit. Try something new at home. Don’t tell anyone. Just see how it feels. If you are a leader and suspect members of your team have fixed mindsets, create a safe space for them to do this. Create opportunities for baby steps. Let people try something new privately. They might discover that it can be fun.
This week, I’m thinking about the things that hold me back, so I’m asking a question that I revisit often enough that it permanently sits on my desk:
What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
The beginning of the week I took a little break from posting. It’s been an emotional week for me, and I knew that I needed some distance from myself and the world. And if there is anything I’m a huge pusher of, it’s getting to know one’s needs. I’m not claiming to be an expert at knowing anything, but I do show continual improvement in identifying what I need.
On Monday, I was the officiant at a friend’s funeral. One of the remarkable aspects of this funeral was how involved and present the deceased was. Having spent his final weeks at a respite house, he was able to tell me, and everyone else who was interested in knowing, his wishes for the party he’d attend in spirit only.
I’m no stranger to witnessing one’s transition from the corporeal, however, with the exception of my father who was just 59 when he passed, my experience is with elders. The friend to whom we paid tribute this week was not elder (unless you’re 10!). He was 58 and when we’d speak, it was evident that he was as baffled as the next guy that he was leaving his physical body at this time. He had, in some ways, felt a sense of peacefulness about it, but when he’d look into his wife’s eyes, or show me pictures of his grandchildren, the energy of understanding evaporated.
The one thing we know about life is that it is a mystery. It is impermanent and fleeting. And when someone you love dies, it’s a great time to reflect on how you are choosing to spend your time in this dimension. No matter your preference, whether you choose happiness or angst, peace or drama, joyfulness or sadness, learn to see the privileges that exist in the very fact that you get to choose. Quality of life has little to do with your physical surroundings. It’s how you interpret those surroundings that determines quality.
Namaste
